A heathen on Christmas Mass

As I am spending my vacation in this little mountain village, I am perfectly happy being on my own though whenever I meet locals I am always nice to them and greet them politely - they are simply folk, minding their own business, tending to their little houses, gardens, cows and what not, its not my intention to show as condescending because we share different perspectives or experiences - in fact, they might be perfectly happy living in their own isolated, quaint world that has not changed for generations and had not been spoiled with commercialism. So when my friends returned for Christmas and went to a local church for a midnight mass, I tagged along out of curiosity, wishing to share this particular moment now at the end of 2013 (I am always sailing somewhere far and very rarely have this opportunity) and yes, somewhere deep inside I had childish expectation than maybe some divine grace will make me happy exactly than and there, at stroke of midnight.

Now, I must explain that I was child of Tito's Yugoslavia so back than, religion was considered something superstitious and backwards, reserved for uneducated village people and not for enlightened post-WW2 society that strove towards academic education. Surely, communism was very strong and made a point of not exactly legally forbidding religion but making it somehow underground, it certainly wasn't welcomed among party members (I still remember our family having a Christmas tree but carefully hidden behind a thick window curtain) and there was a very intense anti-clerical propaganda with stories about selfish, cruel priests siding along with Nazis and enemies, which persist to this day and probably goes centuries back, since church members never paid taxes and lived nicely off donations no matter how much ordinary folks walked barefoot. Now communism is gone, Croatia is back to its historical Catholic nest and I see religion taking a serious upwards swing in society, though is it good or bad probably depends from point of view (sure, focus is on tradition and family but to me it sounds very much "us" against "them").

Anyhow, off we went, well fed after dinner and never ending mulled vine, right into a very crowded village church. Ordinary people everywhere, not particularly well dressed (except one lady with a intensely pink hat, who was very much talked about, she is not from here) and singing off-key so much that I started to wonder do they hear themselves at all, than came to conclusion "oh, she must have been singing harmony, that's it". To my biggest sadness and regret, it wasn't memorable or exceptional in any sense but in fact very boring, formal and obviously tedious to everybody around. Children were reciting some poetry with their little squeaky voices, music was dragging along too slow (nothing joyous but very monotonous), crowd had to sit & stand up too many times (until I found myself swearing under the breath and my friend laughed next to me) and elderly priest was going trough the motions, his long ramblings were simply tolerated with sympathy "because he is so old". I didn't feel God's presence and in fact was a little sad, because I thought to myself well if that's all there is (like Peggy Lee) I am not missing much. Where the fuck is this religion going if it all comes down to a bunch of people who visit church once a year and stand there bored to tears out of respect for tradition, just like their grandfathers did, repeating same words like lobotomised (I found it all very, very brainwashed and clearly designed to make people feel humble, meek and unworthy) and simply being there but not really wanting to be there? Just like a visit to a dentist. Nobody was excited or happy (except children and their parents) and clearly it was all a obligation - as for the sermon, I could improvise something out of my sleeve, far more interesting - at the very end, when congregation had to say "to God we thank" a man in front of me audibly sighed "thank God" and we giggled. When leaving the church, people were relieved and happily mingled at the entrance greeting each other, I found this quick meeting far more happy than anything else.

This was not my first Christmas mass ever - suddenly I remember myself visiting Cathedral in Zagreb as a teenager with friends because it was "cool" but nothing much else - however this time I saw it as a grown up man and was saddened that God's grace somehow escaped me without leaving any nice feeling about it. Strangely, I feel much closer and completely at ease with "God" when I'm alone at home than like this. I still like Christmas tree, gifts, music and having a friends around laughing and simply being together. Nothing wrong with Church itself (it was pretty decorated) or the locals (they were sweet) but repeating some medieval mumblings about beings with wings and meek, cuckolded Joseph accepting that his young wife got a baby by herself, well that was a bit much. I still think its a very nice way to cheer up people during cold December though not so sure about the whole package, we might as well jump over some open fire and burn occasional victim & dance around. I love my friends trough the whole year and occasionally give away to the poor when I'm inspired, not just once a year.