Birthday

On the first day of September I officially became 43 years old.

Nothing much to celebrate here - as a kid, this day was usually ignored because it happened during initial start of the school - I do remember some kiddies birthday parties but once I hit the puberty it wasn't celebrated at all. For most of my adult life it was something to mention in passing to my friends & colleagues who couldn't believe I take it so nonchalantly. I clearly remember some party I visited in Amsterdam just because I turned 30 and how I celebrated quietly with a lunch in Lisbon few years ago when I became 40. Big deal. 

This year was the same - if anything,what years have brought me is some inner confidence and realization of what makes ME happy as opposite to following the crowd. If crowd goes left, I will probably turn right. If the whole Amsterdam drinks and celebrates Gay Pride on the streets, I avoid the crowd and go out of town to enjoy museums in Hague. I learned to enjoy my solitary hobbies, relax in my own company without being bored and always have something interesting to do - even just lying down and reading without "having" to do anything. Sometimes accepting life for what it is - not some huge,strange mystery but random happenings where one can either enjoy or get stressed. Accepting that not everybody is the same and that for many people what I find normal and logical is not so. Even better - that I don't have to explain to the others why and how - let them be. I do my thing, you do yours. 

Years have been kind more or less in a sense that I had not turned into hunchback but naturally wear and tear is showing,which is not the most important thing. Waist-line is not like decades ago but eyes are still sparkling and brain still works. Appendicitis operation showed me that we can never 100% decide what will happen because body is a machine that needs occasional nurturing and care, that is why I don't bother with going out in the sun (it does not suits me) and gladly enjoy every coffee, cigarette and lunch when inspiration takes over. Nothing better than sitting in some foreign town and ordering Irish Coffee because I can. Just being nice to myself. 

I am loner by nature. Lived on my own for so many years that I accepted it as natural state of life - when I was younger I did like everybody else and tortured myself with romantic possibilities, not so much from conviction that this is something good for me,but because we are all brainwashed with magazines and movies that people need to constantly be in love. Now at this point I don't believe in it. Some people are simply born to live alone and there is nothing tragic about it. There are friends that make me laugh and enrich my life, occasional affairs that prove I am still capable of getting weak in the knees but honestly I am clear-eyed about the whole thing and need my own space. Looking around me at so many relationships where someone always pulls the leash I came to conclusion that it does not work for me - the moment when someone starts to scream for attention, I step back forever. Many times its difficult to step back without hurting the person but I never give false signals and don't play with anybody's feelings because I believe it all comes back to you - however, they are some people who drain my energy and I try not to get caught in that. It's simply not necessary. We are company because we enjoy each other,having fun, laughing or inspiring each other - if not, I am perfectly happy just writing or reading my book.

Many times I was in love but still enjoyed visiting museum on my own without a need to hold hands 24 hours a day.

Where do I see myself in the future? The health is the most important obviously - I will work as long as body permits because material possessions and career were never my priority. As for hopes and dreams, we will see,nothing can be arranged and decided definitely. I don't see myself ever raising a family because old habits die hard and I don't want obligations,sacrifices and everything that family includes - looking back at my own childhood I see how traumatizing it can reflect on a kid and I don't want to find myself in a situation that I am tired or not in the mood. If 90% of humanity raises families, there is still 10% of us who can live without wishing for it. As years go I feel more confident about what is good for me and what is not. I might drop dead tomorrow from heart attack. Or I might live some 20 years more quietly reading my books, writing my diary and simply being nice to people around me. To be honest, life really started at 30 for me so there is no reason why it shouldn't continue upwards. These last several years were spent in a brutal work on a cruise ships where I did a lot of traveling but at the same time tested the limits of human endurance because its definitely not fun working 16 hours daily, week after week and still being at work at 4 a.m. thinking "I will sleep day after tomorrow". Sometimes I think that it would be better for me to sell Hot Dog and live relaxed than to earn money like this. Than I go out for a walk somewhere in Tenerife and think life is good.

Life is good, if you know how to notice it.